dear Lord,

i reflect upon the days past. they are filled with pain, regret, shame, unforgiveness, selfishness, un-love. before i knew You, i could not see these things as they were, not understanding. everything was based on my own judgement or what others told me to be. when i entrusted my salvation to You and accepted Your grace by faith, these things came to light, not wholly, but bit by bit, day by day. the revelations pierced through my heart and i sought to reconcile these things. i found that i could not do it. but yet time and time again, i pressed on towards this path. maybe because being in touch with such issues and emotions gave me the sense that i was at least in control of some of it or...the remembrance of my flaws overwhelmed me, the reality of my inferiority encompassed my mind: they do not not reveal themselves outwardly, but seep in quietly between my thoughts and become entangled in the mind, like the creepers that weave themselves among fences or bushes. the harder i struggled, the more they became, the tighter the knots. i admitted that i could not undo these issues by myself, i wanted to give them all to You. but the grip of my hand seemed to harden and i let myself, once again, get caught up within myself. i know there is freedom in Your arms, but why i keep returning to the dark closet, i can't seem to understand...

i yearn to draw closer to You, to rest daily in Your embrace, to grow stronger by and in Your Word. yet, as i find myself coming closer to You, the road is rougher, the valley deeper, the prize further, the relationships harder to manage. there must be something that i am missing out somewhere...there has to be a change made somewhere, somehow.

today is the day i will set myself on new path in life. Lord, teach me to fight the right battle, for the battle over my sins, my old self, my old body, has been won the moment i placed my trust in Jesus Christ. (the current inner war: self-made and self-deceiving...) today is the day, i will tread my feet upon the waters of grace and faith, to walk as Christ has walked, fearing not the world, but only my one true God. the one life to live for and to give to You. today is the day, i will begin to open my heart every moment in prayer to You and to seek You, because it is there where I will surely find You. today is the day, i will stop loving by my own standards of love and allow You to love the people through me. today is the start of non-excuses, non-procrastination, non-unbelief in whatever sense they may be. today is the day i set myself on the path of victory, on the life that is not determined by me.

this life first given to me and mine, i choose to offer up by faith and in worship to You. i don't deny my sins, my mistakes, my flaws...but this i know, that they have been nailed to the Cross and cast away from Your eyes. from this day, restoration and reconciliation is Yours to make, I am but the vessel. Open my eyes and my heart, dear God. the change, that is from You, may not come fully today, nor tomorrow, nor the day after, nor the near future, but I press towards that mark that is Infallible and Eternal.

Lord, my hands are stretched wide out, take them to Yours and lead me wherever to where Your waters flow.

In Jesus Christ, i love and pray.

You are my freedom,

Jesus, You're the reason.

I'm kneeling again, over and over again, at Your throne...

Now, I know where I am.

how fast my God answers my prayers:

i was taking the BTC shuttle bus to school one morning and was going to be late for school. I decided to pray during my journey on the bus, knowing it was going to be quite a long journey to school due to the jam. Along farrer road, the bus moved slightly slower. It came to a stop at one point, must be the traffic lights or something. The next thing I knew, the bus driver couldn't start the bus! Somehow there was a strange inkling in my heart, telling me that God was going to take care of this. I prayed the same line to Him. The bus driver managed to start the bus and bring it to the side of the road. He got off the bus and went to the side to check on the engine at the back. A while later, he came back up the bus and told us that the bus has broken down. hum, quite obviously. Well, the people on the bus started to alight. No one was really outright frustrated at the situation or complaining loudly. I saw from my seat window, some people started walking towards the nearest bus stop, some walked towards the back of the bus to check out what the bus driver was looking at. I was one of the last few to get down the bus. I looked around, deciding whether to walk down to take a bus or to flag a cab like what some people did.

just as i turned towards the direction of the nearest bus stop, another shuttle bus came! The bus driver of that bus, who happens to be my favourite bus driver, saw the bunch of us stranded along the road and made a stop in front of the first bus. I smiled in my heart and discreetly turned up to look at the small patch of sky between the canopy of the trees. "God, You are funny!" This was something that I didn't expect, what with the heavy traffic in the morning and the shuttle buses having a slightly longer intervals between one another.

there was only one thing in my mind while i took that second bus to school: that's how fast God answers prayers.

with a sense of humour too (:

Lord, give me your clarity in my heart.

Not to repeat past mistakes, not to hurt friendships.

To have Your peace, to trust in Your wisdom.

Thank You for the things You have given,

You give and You take away,

so take my life and let it be,

consecrated, all to Thee.

it's been tough living a life for God.

there have been many struggles at home, in school, with friends, in making decisions, in every step in life, in the mind, in the soul in every breath, in every particle of my body. why the doubts? why the problems? why the hassles? why the struggles? sometimes the issues pile on my head, squeeze the air out my lungs, my throat and chest tightens and my tears threaten to burst from the wells.

"And if you do not do well, sin in crouching at the door. It's desire is for you, but you must rule over it." Genesis 4:6 (ESV)

i guess the climb from the valley to the mountain is a tough one, there's the altitude sickness - which explains the breathlessness and lightheadedness; there's gravity (of sin), which seems to be relentlessly pulling you downwards...or at least your mind tells that to you.

but the climb is difficult because i chose to climb it alone, seeing God in the distance, rather than seeing God in me. Focusing on the pain of bearing of the cross, rather than the promise and truth of the Risen Christ...encircling my thoughts and emotions within the valley, rather than the vision of higher grounds...

Lord, it's tough when the difficult elements seem to matter the most and the hope is far off.

"but let me learn that my losses are my gains,

to be broken is to heal,

that the valley's where Your Power is revealed,

let me find Your Grace in the valley."

living a life for God is tough, but i know in the end, the view at the top is worth it.