God, You are so good (:

sharing blessings with and being blessed by friends tonight,
love how music brings people, brings hearts together.

to rest in Your love

is to be in the safest and most peaceful place in the world,

it is the constant, infallible, unbreakable.

the unimaginable yet the greatest of all truths.

clarity is coming

Awakening

In our hearts Lord
In this nation
Awakening

Holy Spirit
We Desire
Awakening

For You and You alone
Awake my soul
Awake my soul and sing

For the world You love
Your will be done
Let Your will be done in me

In Your presence
In Your power
Awakening

For this moment
For this hour
Awakening

Like the rising sun that shines 
From the darkness comes a light 
I hear Your voice say 
This is my awakening 

Like the rising sun that shines 
Awake my soul 
Awake my soul to sing 

From the darkness comes a light 
Awake my soul 
Awake my soul to sing 

Only You can raise a life 
Awake my soul 
Awake my soul to sing

- Awakening, Chris Tomlin

yadotel batir rimaid amosleefem gnikam gnihtyre ves iyhw

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart


I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me


My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
I find You when I fall apart

- Josh Wilson, Fall Apart

the battle within: the greater struggle

some reflections about church camp...

well, i didn't get that revival that i expected. i had felt dry and down and out during the past couple of weeks before church camp. perhaps i was drained from the tasks that were at hand. i felt like i was running on empty. i had watched a past church camp sermon (interestingly, the same bible story was expounded upon, albeit a different topic, during this church camp) and that happened to be a revival camp. my expectations went up after watching that video. maybe it was a desperate thought, having been feeling tired for a while. i decided to disconnect from all technology during the week, my phone only functioning as my clock and alarm. it was a struggle during the first two days of camp. it was easy to be enthusiastic in the ice-breaking games - always found it easy to get energy from the people around me. but when the hall turned quiet and the word of God was being spoken, my heart was almost cold. not against God, but just unmotivated. some people around me remarked how the first night's message spoke to them and all, but i was questioning why it hadn't done the same for me. it was even tougher worshiping God and i found myself getting more irritable. i wasn't sure what this meant...it was hard to talk to God and focus during my quiet time, even though i woke up earlier in the mornings.

jill came over to talk to me one afternoon and i asked her about the albatross girls and how they were doing. the floorball girls had been spending a great deal of time together and she praised God for the opportunities to know them better outside the training setting and minister to them. she mentioned how God had a plan for the camp, from the way the sermons were going heading. pastor heinze preached through the life of david about character - the giants in our lives, the caving in, anger, how we worship - which was an area that everyone could relate to, that could speak to individuals. i dawned on me that that was probably God's purpose for this camp, that God was here for these souls too. if the camp had been a revival, the many unsaved loved ones and friends who came would not have been reached during the messages. God has a plan and He would know what's best better than I do. things became clear to me and i was really humbled.

i wouldn't say that i fully picked up during the camp, but my heart was less heavy and regained strength to come back to God. i could worship Him again after that day. it was still a blessing to be able to go to camp, it being my first would make it special none the less. i'm glad i got the chance to know many people better, be it through serving in worship or praying together or sharing together. it's wonderful to have a week among God's people. by the end of camp, God was still working in my heart and soul, as He always has been. i was reminded in on sunday that God doesn't often get our attention with spectaculars or huge wowzas, but more often than not, He speaks to us in His still small voice. my mind was crowded with too many doubts and concerns and wants to hear Him during this whole period.

i'm still learning, still picking up,

and i know He'll never leave my side.

I say, right glad am I of this thing, and that for mine own sake and yours; I have sowed, and you have reaped; and the days is coming, when both he that soweth, and they that reap, shall rejoice together; that is, if you hold out; for in due tune ye shall reap, if ye faint not. The crown is before you, and it is an incorruptible one; so run that you may obtain it. Some there be that set out for this crown, and after that have gone far for it, another comes in and takes it from them: hold fast, therefore, that you have; let no man take your crown. You are not yet out of the gun-shot of the devil; you have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. Let the kingdom be always before you, and believe steadfastly concerning things that are invisible. Let nothing that is on this side the other world get within you. And, above all, look well to your own hearts and to the lusts thereof; for they are deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Set your faces like a flint; you have all power in heaven and earth on your side.

-Evangelist in The Pilgrim's Progress (John Bunyan)

organised a gathering for the choir people last sunday. there were about 16 of us at my condo's function room that night. i had some help from siewying, hewlett and cherie with our mexican dinner! glad that it didn't turn out too bad. felt like we were feeding the 5000 with two loaves and five fishes when the food seem to be running out fast at the beginning of the gathering...thankfully, we had popcorn, chocolate and marble cake for after-dinner treats. the last time we met was during my 21st birthday. it was good to see everyone again after so long.

we sat around a square made by placing two tables next to each other. the guys, as chatty as before, sat on one side of the tables, and the girls caught up with one another on the other side. i sat and looked around for a while as everyone was engaged in their conversations. it has always been so easy for us to warm up to each other...as we finished up dinner and started on the snacks, we took turns to share about what we have been doing and what we will be doing in the coming months. somehow the sharing just flowed naturally, we asked the person who was sharing questions, some talked about what they have learnt from their jobs or an activity or making some decisions in life. the guys cracked jokes in between, but we were listening and paying attention to one another and all. it was a really enjoyable time. after that round, i returned the yellow cards which each choir member wrote their hopes for choir in 2007. it was meant to be given out in 2008 at the end of our choir term! to think i've kept them with me till now...! we went one round the group again, reflecting upon our time in choir and after that...i don't think we've had a session like this before and we hardly take turns to share in our past gatherings. so it felt really special (:

the hwa chong choir experience is something incomparable. most of us had given our school life to choir, our time, our hearts, our tears. the feelings are unspoken, but you know somehow everyone feels the same way. i hadn't spent a lot of time serving in church during my two years in jc. looking back, i don't think i regret it. i found my place for those two years among a group of good and faithful people. i did learn so much about singing, about working in a committee, about friendships, about God. knowing that my time with the choir has been fruitful and meaningful, unforgettable and enjoyable, i guess, it's easier to let go of it when God calls me to serve in other places now. we all have our own paths to walk now, we may not be physically meeting as often in the future, however i believe the relationships are still held together the same spirit. it's okay if someone is busier, it's okay if someone goes away for a few years, it's okay if someone is not singing in a choir anymore (i'm sure the old flame will come back to find us one day. haha), because there's always that special spot that we can come back to, to laugh at the same things or people, to talk about the same events, to sing the same songs...i may sound idealistic, but i'll hang on to that thought for as long as i'll believe in singing (:

i think my term as welfare RM, will continue to run...no doubt about that (:

A sharing on my 2:7 page:

"Recently God has been teaching me about trusting Him to be my All in all. Been reading the last few chapters of Crazy Love and a bit of the Pilgrim's Progress, hearing sharings from people here and there, while praying about how to spend my time during the holidays/looking for work etc. I wanted to look for work because I have been spending a lot over the past month since the holidays started and honestly, I was getting concerned about my bank account ahaha. But somehow God is trying to change my perspective of things and to know what it means to truly depend on God. We are so used to how the world functions, because we live in this world. But we ought to see things in the Kingdom's perspective. I know that life is so much more that what it can be now, but how much am I really living that out? I realised I was too caught up in wanting to earn money rather than spending my time well for God. Was I really honouring God in my time, or was I rather serving mammon? Well, I am still here, without work, and an idea came into my head a few days back: why not do some volunteering work over the next two months? Even though it has been one whole month of holiday already, somehow my time has been pretty well filled up - meeting friends, spending time with God in the morning, celebrating birthdays, serving in many areas - this is Life in Jesus Christ, to live and spend time with the people He loves (thats everybody) and to serve Him. Like JQ mention: to give our all to God and leave the outcome to Him. I wouldn't say I have been able to fully grasp it yet and decide whether to do volunteering work in the next two months, but I know God has tons to teach me."

on the same day i wrote this, i got a small job opportunity. i wasn't sure what it entailed except what was described on the phone. so i went down in the afternoon for the presentation and short training. it sounded good, i deliberated for a while and eventually signed up for it. the moment i signed the papers and handed in to the person, there was this unrest. though i managed to ask a number of questions to clarify certain procedures, my heart was still unsettled. i'm not sure what this means, could it be something that i wasn't supposed to do or had i shifted my focus to the wrong place again? i couldn't concentrate during prayer that night, even though i was listening to the prayers. i wanted to pray. i didn't want to pray. how quick the mind flutters away from Him, how quick my mind flutters away from Him. my unrest consumes my attention most of the time and i dislike it when that happens.

thus, time to seek God.

Lord, i need to hear Your voice constantly, i need clarity.

readalittlepoetry.wordpress.com

quoted in the writer's about section: "A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry, and see a fine picture every day of his life, in order that worldly cares may not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

went to kids club to help out a bit yesterday. expected the kids to behave the way they do, not sitting still, some noisy, some playful and being really enthusiastic in the things that they do. one of the little boys was misbehaving, disrupting the lessons a little, so an adult pulled him aside to talk to him. he came back to his seat, quiet and unsmiling, unlike what he was 5 minutes ago. somehow, i found myself sitting next to him. i asked him some questions, hoping that they'll be encouraging and give him some attention. he responded with nods at the beginning but started to ignore me when he was not being chosen to answer the questions asked by the teacher in front after raising his hands a few times. after the lesson ended, he ran to the front towards the snacks with the rest of the kids and soon was talking and smiling again. some thoughts ran through my mind. i haven't really had a lot of chance talking to kids, so i always felt that i had an issue interacting with them or was unsure how to react to them. then again, it does take some for some children to warm up to you and i could be thinking too much about it anyway... towards the end of the whole session, i got to talk to some of the little girls, perhaps because they were girls, it was easier to talk to them and easier to have them being comfortable with my arm around their shoulders. chatted with ms and c a little before i left. i'm glad joined them, helping and seeing the children and knowing at least i got to connect with some of the them.

it took me awhile to fall asleep last night. i was thinking of some things and started thinking about the children i met that afternoon. then, this conclusion came to me: that it's not easy to love someone who doesn't treat you the way you want or expect them to or someone who rejects/ignores you (like the little boy). and it always seems easier to love somebody who accepts you readily (like the little girls). But i guess, nevertheless, love shouldn't be different in either scenarios. Christ came to die for us and He was rejected and humiliated by the world. Yet His love for us never changed and never changes. Still abundant, still flowing. With this thought in mind, we ought to love the more 'difficult' people, people who seemingly reject you, with the same measure of love as or even more than those who love us back.

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?" Matthew 5:43-47

A brother once mentioned that we should love the people (in that particular case it was a group we were reaching out to), love them, sincerely and honestly, until they ask why. It'll only be a matter of time before Christ will show Himself to them through us, if we allow Him to, with that constantly open channel of love.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:11,12

God's time above

the heart's desires.

thank You, Jesus!! (:

pour out the ocean within, Lord

and occupy my heart.

If you have really handed yourself over to Him it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.

- C. S. Lewis

it seems like there's a lot of growing up to do recently, since the start of this year. somehow these demands came with me turning 21. meeting expectations, not meeting expectations...letting go of past notions and gaining new ones...there's an overwhelming flood of things to pick up, to learn!

i know that you shouldn't get obsessed with pleasing the people around you too much. it will drive you nuts. but a friend pointed out that i was unconsciously doing just that. maybe that's why i have been sitting on the fence or being preoccupied as an observer of things for too long. it's time to dig deep into the truth and find ground, instead of just fluttering around inconspicuously or superfluously.

need to get a grip.

sigh, you better wake up your idea!

dear Lord,

i reflect upon the days past. they are filled with pain, regret, shame, unforgiveness, selfishness, un-love. before i knew You, i could not see these things as they were, not understanding. everything was based on my own judgement or what others told me to be. when i entrusted my salvation to You and accepted Your grace by faith, these things came to light, not wholly, but bit by bit, day by day. the revelations pierced through my heart and i sought to reconcile these things. i found that i could not do it. but yet time and time again, i pressed on towards this path. maybe because being in touch with such issues and emotions gave me the sense that i was at least in control of some of it or...the remembrance of my flaws overwhelmed me, the reality of my inferiority encompassed my mind: they do not not reveal themselves outwardly, but seep in quietly between my thoughts and become entangled in the mind, like the creepers that weave themselves among fences or bushes. the harder i struggled, the more they became, the tighter the knots. i admitted that i could not undo these issues by myself, i wanted to give them all to You. but the grip of my hand seemed to harden and i let myself, once again, get caught up within myself. i know there is freedom in Your arms, but why i keep returning to the dark closet, i can't seem to understand...

i yearn to draw closer to You, to rest daily in Your embrace, to grow stronger by and in Your Word. yet, as i find myself coming closer to You, the road is rougher, the valley deeper, the prize further, the relationships harder to manage. there must be something that i am missing out somewhere...there has to be a change made somewhere, somehow.

today is the day i will set myself on new path in life. Lord, teach me to fight the right battle, for the battle over my sins, my old self, my old body, has been won the moment i placed my trust in Jesus Christ. (the current inner war: self-made and self-deceiving...) today is the day, i will tread my feet upon the waters of grace and faith, to walk as Christ has walked, fearing not the world, but only my one true God. the one life to live for and to give to You. today is the day, i will begin to open my heart every moment in prayer to You and to seek You, because it is there where I will surely find You. today is the day, i will stop loving by my own standards of love and allow You to love the people through me. today is the start of non-excuses, non-procrastination, non-unbelief in whatever sense they may be. today is the day i set myself on the path of victory, on the life that is not determined by me.

this life first given to me and mine, i choose to offer up by faith and in worship to You. i don't deny my sins, my mistakes, my flaws...but this i know, that they have been nailed to the Cross and cast away from Your eyes. from this day, restoration and reconciliation is Yours to make, I am but the vessel. Open my eyes and my heart, dear God. the change, that is from You, may not come fully today, nor tomorrow, nor the day after, nor the near future, but I press towards that mark that is Infallible and Eternal.

Lord, my hands are stretched wide out, take them to Yours and lead me wherever to where Your waters flow.

In Jesus Christ, i love and pray.

You are my freedom,

Jesus, You're the reason.

I'm kneeling again, over and over again, at Your throne...

Now, I know where I am.

how fast my God answers my prayers:

i was taking the BTC shuttle bus to school one morning and was going to be late for school. I decided to pray during my journey on the bus, knowing it was going to be quite a long journey to school due to the jam. Along farrer road, the bus moved slightly slower. It came to a stop at one point, must be the traffic lights or something. The next thing I knew, the bus driver couldn't start the bus! Somehow there was a strange inkling in my heart, telling me that God was going to take care of this. I prayed the same line to Him. The bus driver managed to start the bus and bring it to the side of the road. He got off the bus and went to the side to check on the engine at the back. A while later, he came back up the bus and told us that the bus has broken down. hum, quite obviously. Well, the people on the bus started to alight. No one was really outright frustrated at the situation or complaining loudly. I saw from my seat window, some people started walking towards the nearest bus stop, some walked towards the back of the bus to check out what the bus driver was looking at. I was one of the last few to get down the bus. I looked around, deciding whether to walk down to take a bus or to flag a cab like what some people did.

just as i turned towards the direction of the nearest bus stop, another shuttle bus came! The bus driver of that bus, who happens to be my favourite bus driver, saw the bunch of us stranded along the road and made a stop in front of the first bus. I smiled in my heart and discreetly turned up to look at the small patch of sky between the canopy of the trees. "God, You are funny!" This was something that I didn't expect, what with the heavy traffic in the morning and the shuttle buses having a slightly longer intervals between one another.

there was only one thing in my mind while i took that second bus to school: that's how fast God answers prayers.

with a sense of humour too (:

Lord, give me your clarity in my heart.

Not to repeat past mistakes, not to hurt friendships.

To have Your peace, to trust in Your wisdom.

Thank You for the things You have given,

You give and You take away,

so take my life and let it be,

consecrated, all to Thee.

it's been tough living a life for God.

there have been many struggles at home, in school, with friends, in making decisions, in every step in life, in the mind, in the soul in every breath, in every particle of my body. why the doubts? why the problems? why the hassles? why the struggles? sometimes the issues pile on my head, squeeze the air out my lungs, my throat and chest tightens and my tears threaten to burst from the wells.

"And if you do not do well, sin in crouching at the door. It's desire is for you, but you must rule over it." Genesis 4:6 (ESV)

i guess the climb from the valley to the mountain is a tough one, there's the altitude sickness - which explains the breathlessness and lightheadedness; there's gravity (of sin), which seems to be relentlessly pulling you downwards...or at least your mind tells that to you.

but the climb is difficult because i chose to climb it alone, seeing God in the distance, rather than seeing God in me. Focusing on the pain of bearing of the cross, rather than the promise and truth of the Risen Christ...encircling my thoughts and emotions within the valley, rather than the vision of higher grounds...

Lord, it's tough when the difficult elements seem to matter the most and the hope is far off.

"but let me learn that my losses are my gains,

to be broken is to heal,

that the valley's where Your Power is revealed,

let me find Your Grace in the valley."

living a life for God is tough, but i know in the end, the view at the top is worth it.