pour out the ocean within, Lord

and occupy my heart.

If you have really handed yourself over to Him it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.

- C. S. Lewis

it seems like there's a lot of growing up to do recently, since the start of this year. somehow these demands came with me turning 21. meeting expectations, not meeting expectations...letting go of past notions and gaining new ones...there's an overwhelming flood of things to pick up, to learn!

i know that you shouldn't get obsessed with pleasing the people around you too much. it will drive you nuts. but a friend pointed out that i was unconsciously doing just that. maybe that's why i have been sitting on the fence or being preoccupied as an observer of things for too long. it's time to dig deep into the truth and find ground, instead of just fluttering around inconspicuously or superfluously.

need to get a grip.