Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart


I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me


My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
I find You when I fall apart

- Josh Wilson, Fall Apart

the battle within: the greater struggle

some reflections about church camp...

well, i didn't get that revival that i expected. i had felt dry and down and out during the past couple of weeks before church camp. perhaps i was drained from the tasks that were at hand. i felt like i was running on empty. i had watched a past church camp sermon (interestingly, the same bible story was expounded upon, albeit a different topic, during this church camp) and that happened to be a revival camp. my expectations went up after watching that video. maybe it was a desperate thought, having been feeling tired for a while. i decided to disconnect from all technology during the week, my phone only functioning as my clock and alarm. it was a struggle during the first two days of camp. it was easy to be enthusiastic in the ice-breaking games - always found it easy to get energy from the people around me. but when the hall turned quiet and the word of God was being spoken, my heart was almost cold. not against God, but just unmotivated. some people around me remarked how the first night's message spoke to them and all, but i was questioning why it hadn't done the same for me. it was even tougher worshiping God and i found myself getting more irritable. i wasn't sure what this meant...it was hard to talk to God and focus during my quiet time, even though i woke up earlier in the mornings.

jill came over to talk to me one afternoon and i asked her about the albatross girls and how they were doing. the floorball girls had been spending a great deal of time together and she praised God for the opportunities to know them better outside the training setting and minister to them. she mentioned how God had a plan for the camp, from the way the sermons were going heading. pastor heinze preached through the life of david about character - the giants in our lives, the caving in, anger, how we worship - which was an area that everyone could relate to, that could speak to individuals. i dawned on me that that was probably God's purpose for this camp, that God was here for these souls too. if the camp had been a revival, the many unsaved loved ones and friends who came would not have been reached during the messages. God has a plan and He would know what's best better than I do. things became clear to me and i was really humbled.

i wouldn't say that i fully picked up during the camp, but my heart was less heavy and regained strength to come back to God. i could worship Him again after that day. it was still a blessing to be able to go to camp, it being my first would make it special none the less. i'm glad i got the chance to know many people better, be it through serving in worship or praying together or sharing together. it's wonderful to have a week among God's people. by the end of camp, God was still working in my heart and soul, as He always has been. i was reminded in on sunday that God doesn't often get our attention with spectaculars or huge wowzas, but more often than not, He speaks to us in His still small voice. my mind was crowded with too many doubts and concerns and wants to hear Him during this whole period.

i'm still learning, still picking up,

and i know He'll never leave my side.

I say, right glad am I of this thing, and that for mine own sake and yours; I have sowed, and you have reaped; and the days is coming, when both he that soweth, and they that reap, shall rejoice together; that is, if you hold out; for in due tune ye shall reap, if ye faint not. The crown is before you, and it is an incorruptible one; so run that you may obtain it. Some there be that set out for this crown, and after that have gone far for it, another comes in and takes it from them: hold fast, therefore, that you have; let no man take your crown. You are not yet out of the gun-shot of the devil; you have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin. Let the kingdom be always before you, and believe steadfastly concerning things that are invisible. Let nothing that is on this side the other world get within you. And, above all, look well to your own hearts and to the lusts thereof; for they are deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Set your faces like a flint; you have all power in heaven and earth on your side.

-Evangelist in The Pilgrim's Progress (John Bunyan)

organised a gathering for the choir people last sunday. there were about 16 of us at my condo's function room that night. i had some help from siewying, hewlett and cherie with our mexican dinner! glad that it didn't turn out too bad. felt like we were feeding the 5000 with two loaves and five fishes when the food seem to be running out fast at the beginning of the gathering...thankfully, we had popcorn, chocolate and marble cake for after-dinner treats. the last time we met was during my 21st birthday. it was good to see everyone again after so long.

we sat around a square made by placing two tables next to each other. the guys, as chatty as before, sat on one side of the tables, and the girls caught up with one another on the other side. i sat and looked around for a while as everyone was engaged in their conversations. it has always been so easy for us to warm up to each other...as we finished up dinner and started on the snacks, we took turns to share about what we have been doing and what we will be doing in the coming months. somehow the sharing just flowed naturally, we asked the person who was sharing questions, some talked about what they have learnt from their jobs or an activity or making some decisions in life. the guys cracked jokes in between, but we were listening and paying attention to one another and all. it was a really enjoyable time. after that round, i returned the yellow cards which each choir member wrote their hopes for choir in 2007. it was meant to be given out in 2008 at the end of our choir term! to think i've kept them with me till now...! we went one round the group again, reflecting upon our time in choir and after that...i don't think we've had a session like this before and we hardly take turns to share in our past gatherings. so it felt really special (:

the hwa chong choir experience is something incomparable. most of us had given our school life to choir, our time, our hearts, our tears. the feelings are unspoken, but you know somehow everyone feels the same way. i hadn't spent a lot of time serving in church during my two years in jc. looking back, i don't think i regret it. i found my place for those two years among a group of good and faithful people. i did learn so much about singing, about working in a committee, about friendships, about God. knowing that my time with the choir has been fruitful and meaningful, unforgettable and enjoyable, i guess, it's easier to let go of it when God calls me to serve in other places now. we all have our own paths to walk now, we may not be physically meeting as often in the future, however i believe the relationships are still held together the same spirit. it's okay if someone is busier, it's okay if someone goes away for a few years, it's okay if someone is not singing in a choir anymore (i'm sure the old flame will come back to find us one day. haha), because there's always that special spot that we can come back to, to laugh at the same things or people, to talk about the same events, to sing the same songs...i may sound idealistic, but i'll hang on to that thought for as long as i'll believe in singing (:

i think my term as welfare RM, will continue to run...no doubt about that (: