If you have really handed yourself over to Him it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you.

- C. S. Lewis

it seems like there's a lot of growing up to do recently, since the start of this year. somehow these demands came with me turning 21. meeting expectations, not meeting expectations...letting go of past notions and gaining new ones...there's an overwhelming flood of things to pick up, to learn!

i know that you shouldn't get obsessed with pleasing the people around you too much. it will drive you nuts. but a friend pointed out that i was unconsciously doing just that. maybe that's why i have been sitting on the fence or being preoccupied as an observer of things for too long. it's time to dig deep into the truth and find ground, instead of just fluttering around inconspicuously or superfluously.

need to get a grip.

sigh, you better wake up your idea!

dear Lord,

i reflect upon the days past. they are filled with pain, regret, shame, unforgiveness, selfishness, un-love. before i knew You, i could not see these things as they were, not understanding. everything was based on my own judgement or what others told me to be. when i entrusted my salvation to You and accepted Your grace by faith, these things came to light, not wholly, but bit by bit, day by day. the revelations pierced through my heart and i sought to reconcile these things. i found that i could not do it. but yet time and time again, i pressed on towards this path. maybe because being in touch with such issues and emotions gave me the sense that i was at least in control of some of it or...the remembrance of my flaws overwhelmed me, the reality of my inferiority encompassed my mind: they do not not reveal themselves outwardly, but seep in quietly between my thoughts and become entangled in the mind, like the creepers that weave themselves among fences or bushes. the harder i struggled, the more they became, the tighter the knots. i admitted that i could not undo these issues by myself, i wanted to give them all to You. but the grip of my hand seemed to harden and i let myself, once again, get caught up within myself. i know there is freedom in Your arms, but why i keep returning to the dark closet, i can't seem to understand...

i yearn to draw closer to You, to rest daily in Your embrace, to grow stronger by and in Your Word. yet, as i find myself coming closer to You, the road is rougher, the valley deeper, the prize further, the relationships harder to manage. there must be something that i am missing out somewhere...there has to be a change made somewhere, somehow.

today is the day i will set myself on new path in life. Lord, teach me to fight the right battle, for the battle over my sins, my old self, my old body, has been won the moment i placed my trust in Jesus Christ. (the current inner war: self-made and self-deceiving...) today is the day, i will tread my feet upon the waters of grace and faith, to walk as Christ has walked, fearing not the world, but only my one true God. the one life to live for and to give to You. today is the day, i will begin to open my heart every moment in prayer to You and to seek You, because it is there where I will surely find You. today is the day, i will stop loving by my own standards of love and allow You to love the people through me. today is the start of non-excuses, non-procrastination, non-unbelief in whatever sense they may be. today is the day i set myself on the path of victory, on the life that is not determined by me.

this life first given to me and mine, i choose to offer up by faith and in worship to You. i don't deny my sins, my mistakes, my flaws...but this i know, that they have been nailed to the Cross and cast away from Your eyes. from this day, restoration and reconciliation is Yours to make, I am but the vessel. Open my eyes and my heart, dear God. the change, that is from You, may not come fully today, nor tomorrow, nor the day after, nor the near future, but I press towards that mark that is Infallible and Eternal.

Lord, my hands are stretched wide out, take them to Yours and lead me wherever to where Your waters flow.

In Jesus Christ, i love and pray.

You are my freedom,

Jesus, You're the reason.

I'm kneeling again, over and over again, at Your throne...

Now, I know where I am.